Doulas are NOT a replacement

One of the most common concerns I see regarding hiring a doula is that they somehow “replace” the birthing person’s partner. I think partners have an image of sitting out in the waiting room like the 1950s, anxiously waiting for news and maybe waiting to hand out cigars (it was a different time, yes.)

But that image is just a relic and couldn’t be farther from the truth. Partners are as involved and active in labor as they want to be: supporting, communicating, remembering important things, and experiencing the birth of their child. So where does a doula stand in all of this?

Off to the side.

A good doula will not try to be the center of any of the activity in the labor room. They will always make the birthing parent the focus, but will be thoughtful about encouraging the partner to have special moments as well. A doula can show a partner how to do a comfort measure, or do it for them so they can put all their focus into connecting with the birthing person. A doula can offer food and water to a birthing person, or remind the partner to do it. A doula can even remember to offer food to the partner, or mind the labor space so they can step out and get food themselves.

A doula can make jokes to lighten the atmosphere, or encourage letting all the feelings come on out— not just for the birthing person, but the partner too. Birth is a life-changing event, and no one should understand that more than a doula.

I like to think of doulas like museum guides. They can show you around, tell you some interesting facts or stories, make sure you don’t get lost, and give you time and space to experience different moments of art and learning. But they’re not the person going through the birth— that’s for the birthing person and the partner.

What would you do if you had a guide through some of life’s most complicated moments? It’s up to you, and no replacements can fill those shoes.